If you are a parent whose child has been bullying others, there is a separate guide written for you: My Child Is Bullying Others.
If you are reading this, something has made you wonder whether the way you treat someone has crossed a line. Maybe a teacher or a friend said something, or maybe you noticed the look on the other person's face. Asking the question is a good sign. People that do not care whether they hurt someone do not usually go looking for the answer.
How to tell if it is bullying
Bullying usually means doing something hurtful again and again to someone with less power than you (younger, smaller, with fewer friends, or on their own), when they do not enjoy it. A few questions help you check:
- Does the other person laugh too, and would they still laugh if nobody else were watching?
- Do they ever joke back at you the same way, or do they go quiet?
- Do they avoid you, change seats, or leave when you arrive?
- Would you be okay with someone doing the same thing to you, or to your younger sibling, every day?
If the honest answers make you uncomfortable, it has probably crossed the line, and the rest of this page is about what to do next.
Why it happens
Knowing why you have been doing it makes it easier to stop. These are some of the most common reasons.
It gets laughs. Making fun of someone can make you look funny and confident in front of your friends, which is why it can be hard to give up.
Your barkada does it. Going along with the group can feel safer than being the one that says no.
You are angry about something else. Stress at home or at school can come out on someone that cannot hit back.
It happened to you first. Some people that bully have been bullied themselves, at school or at home, and it can start to feel like their turn.
None of these makes it okay, and knowing which one fits you tells you what to work on.
How to stop
Stop the specific thing now. You do not need a big plan to stop saying the thing, sharing the post, or joining in when the group starts. Simply don't do it the next time it would have happened.
Have a line ready for when your friends start. Stepping out is easier if you have already decided what to say, such as "Okay, enough. Leave him alone." or "I am not doing this today." Walking away counts too.
Notice when it usually happens. Most people that bully do it in the same situations again and again (a certain class, a certain group chat, or when certain friends are around). Once you know the situation, you can decide ahead of time what you will do instead.
Find other ways to be funny. Plenty of people are funny without a target. Joke about things that happened to you, or about something you and your friends are all going through (a strict teacher, a long line at the canteen, the traffic on the way to school).
Handle anger another way. If anger is what sets it off, walk away from the person before you say anything, and come back once you have calmed down. Talking to an adult you trust about what is making you angry often helps more than you would expect.
If you want to get better at talking with people in ways that make them want to be around you, sign up and I will send three short guides plus 300 conversation questions. Send me the guides →
How to make it right
Stopping is the most important part. An apology helps too, if the other person wants one. A real apology names what you did and says it will stop, without excuses:
"I am sorry for the things I said about you in the group chat and for laughing at you in class. It was wrong, and I am not going to do it anymore."
Then show it. An apology only means something once the other person sees that the behavior has stopped. Don't ask them to forgive you, and don't expect them to want to be friends. If they do not want to talk to you, respect that, and simply leave them alone.
If the school is involved, cooperate with whatever it asks. Under DepEd's rules, schools respond to bullying with counseling and, for repeated or serious cases, penalties that can include suspension. Taking it seriously early is the best way to keep a mistake from turning into something much bigger.
If someone is hurting you too
If you are being bullied yourself, at school or at home, that matters as much as anything on this page. Tell an adult you trust, and read our guide on what to do if you are being bullied. If you ever feel hopeless or think about hurting yourself, call the National Center for Mental Health crisis line, which is free and open 24 hours: 1553 from a landline in Luzon, or 0917-899-8727 or 0966-351-4518 (Globe and TM) and 0908-639-2672 (Smart, Sun, and TNT) from a mobile phone.
If you want to get better at the kind of conversations that turn classmates into friends, our guide to making friends as a teenager is a good place to start.