How to Make Small Talk: A Practical Guide for Teenagers and Young Adults

If you have ever run out of things to say, or sat next to somebody and thought "I have no idea what to talk about," this page is a list you can borrow from. Topics that work with almost anyone, questions that get real answers, and a few that are worth saving for people you already know well.

I have coached this for more than a decade, and the request I hear most is simply "give me something to say." So here it is, sorted by who you are talking to and how well you know them.

Topics that work with almost anyone

These are safe in the sense that nearly everybody has something to say about them. They are not exciting on their own. Their job is to get a conversation moving so you can find the interesting part later.

• What they are watching or reading right now
• Where they grew up, and whether they liked it
• Food, and specifically the best thing they have eaten recently
• What they do when they are not here (work, school, the thing that takes their time)
• Pets, if they have them, which people will talk about for a very long time
• Travel, including places they want to go and have never been
• How they know the other people in the room
• Something you both just experienced (the class, the wait, the event you are at)

Notice that most of these are not questions yet. A topic is a direction. You turn it into a question when you use it, and the wording matters less than you think.

Questions to get to know someone new

These work when you have been talking for a couple of minutes and the polite opening is over. They are specific enough to be answerable, which is what separates them from "so, tell me about yourself."

• "What do you do most days?"
• "How did you end up doing that?"
• "What do you do when you are not working?"
• "Have you always lived around here?"
• "What have you been into lately?"
• "What is something you are weirdly good at?"
• "What is taking up most of your time right now?"
• "What did you want to be when you were a kid?"
• "What is the best thing that has happened to you this month?"

"How did you end up doing that?" is the one I would keep if I could keep only one. Almost everybody has a story about how they got where they are, most people enjoy telling it, and it usually hands you three or four new things to ask about.

Small talk topics that do not feel like small talk

Small talk gets a bad reputation, and some of that is deserved, because "how about this weather" does not go anywhere. These do, and they are still low-risk enough to use with somebody you barely know.

• "Have you been here before? What is worth getting?"
• "Is it always this busy?"
• "What are you doing for the rest of the day?"
• "Have you got anything good coming up?"
• "How is your week going, actually?"
• "Did you see that thing about [local news, an event you both know about]?"

The word "actually" in that fifth one does more than it looks like it does. It tells the other person that you are asking for a real answer rather than performing politeness, and a surprising number of people take you up on it.

Questions for people you already know

This is where most people get stuck, and it is a different problem from meeting somebody new. You already know the basics, so the ordinary questions feel repetitive and the conversation flattens into "how are you, fine, you?"

• "What is going on with [the thing they mentioned last time]?"
• "What has been the best part of your week so far?"
• "Is there anything you are dreading right now?"
• "What are you looking forward to?"
• "Have you changed your mind about anything lately?"
• "What is something you have been meaning to do and keep not doing?"
• "What would you do all day if nobody was paying you?"
• "Who have you been spending time with?"

The first one is the most useful and the most underused. If somebody told you last week that they had a job interview, or their sister was visiting, or they were nervous about a test, asking about it now is one of the warmest things you can do. It takes about eight seconds and it tells them you were actually listening.

Questions that go deeper

Save these for people you know reasonably well, or for a conversation that has already been going somewhere real for a while. Used too early they feel like an interview, and used at the right moment they are the reason somebody remembers talking to you.

• "What is something most people get wrong about you?"
• "What are you avoiding right now?"
• "When were you happiest?"
• "What is something you used to believe and don't anymore?"
• "What do you wish you had started earlier?"
• "Is this what you thought you would be doing?"
• "What is the last thing you got genuinely excited about?"

If you use one of these and the room goes quiet for a second, that is usually a good sign rather than a bad one. It means the person is actually thinking about their answer instead of reaching for the automatic one.

Fun and unusual questions

These are for a group, a long drive, or a conversation that has gone flat and needs a reset. Some of them are a little silly, which is the point.

• "What is the most useless skill you have?"
• "What food would you eat every day if it had no consequences?"
• "What is a hill you would die on that nobody agrees with you about?"
• "What is the worst haircut you have ever had?"
• "If you had to give a talk tomorrow with no preparation, what would it be about?"
• "What is something you are irrationally afraid of?"
• "What was your first job like?"

Topics worth handling carefully

A short list of things that can go badly with people you do not know well. None of these are forbidden, and plenty of good conversations happen inside them. Simply know that you are taking a risk rather than stumbling into one.

• Politics and religion, for the obvious reasons
• Money, including what somebody earns or paid for something
• Anybody's body, weight, or appearance, including compliments that sound like measurements
• Why somebody is single, or has no children, or left their last job
• Health, unless they raised it first
• Other people that are not present, if the tone is turning into gossip

A useful test: if the honest answer might be painful, wait until they offer it. People generally bring up the hard things themselves once they trust you, and asking early tends to close that door rather than open it.

The part that matters more than the topic

Now the honest bit. If you are stuck on which topic to pick, you are stuck on the smallest problem in the conversation. Any question on this page buys you about thirty seconds. What you do after they answer is the actual skill, and it is the thing almost nobody practices.

The first move is to respond to their answer before asking anything else. If you ask what they have been watching and they say "mostly cooking shows lately," don't fire off the next question. Say something about it. "Cooking shows? Are you actually cooking anything or is it purely spectating?" Now it is a conversation rather than a questionnaire.

The second move is to give something back without being asked. Most people answer and then wait, which puts the work back on you. If you volunteer a small piece of yourself, you take that pressure off them. "I got into those during a bad winter and now I own three kinds of salt I have never used." Two sentences, and you have handed them several things they could ask you about.

And keep going until you find the thing they care about. First answers are usually polite and shallow, because the person has not decided yet whether you are actually interested. If you stay curious for another question or two, you nearly always get to something real, and at that point you will not need this list any more.

A few honest caveats

Some of these will not sound like you, and using a question that does not fit your own mouth is worse than using a boring one that does. The topics near the top of this page work perfectly well and they work for everybody.

Some conversations will go nowhere no matter which question you pick, and that usually has nothing to do with you. People are tired, or late, or in the middle of a bad week. If somebody gives you a short answer and turns away, that is an answer, and a friendly "no worries, good to see you" is the right response rather than a second attempt.

And do not work down this list in order. Three questions in a row with no reaction from you feels like being processed. One good question that you actually follow up on is worth more than six that you fire off.

Where to start this week

Pick two questions off this page. Just two, one from the safe topics near the top and one from the get-to-know-someone section. Use them this week on somebody ordinary, in an ordinary situation, and pay attention to what happens after they answer rather than to how you delivered it.

Then do it again in a few days. The reason this gets easier is not that you memorise better questions. It is that you slowly stop worrying about what to say next, because you learn that the other person will hand you the next thing if you are listening for it.

If the part that trips you up is the opening rather than the middle, conversation starters that actually work covers the first ten seconds. If conversations start fine and then stall, how to keep a conversation going is the one to read next.