If your child is willing to read something themselves, there is a guide written for them: Am I a Bully? Parents in the Philippines can read the Philippine version instead.

Few calls from school are harder to take than the one saying your child has been bullying another kid. Disbelief is normal, and so is the urge to defend your child. What you do in the next few weeks matters, both for the child that has been hurt and for your own.

It helps to know what is at stake. Schools handle bullying through the district's bullying policy and code of conduct, so the details vary from one district to the next. A first or minor incident often means a meeting with you and a counselor. Bullying that continues can lead to detention, suspension, and in serious cases expulsion. Some bullying is also a crime (threats of violence, assault, or sharing sexual images of anyone under 18), and then the police can get involved. The surest way to keep it from reaching that point is for the behavior to stop early.

Questions to ask the school

Go into the first call or meeting planning to listen more than you talk, and take notes. These questions get you what you need:

The first conversation with your child

Wait until you are calm enough to keep your voice level. Then tell your child what the school told you, and ask for their side in their own words. Many kids start with "It was just a joke," "Everyone was doing it," or "They started it." Hear it out, then keep asking for specifics. A useful test for the joke defense: was the other kid laughing, and would they have laughed the tenth time? If the same child keeps ending up as the punchline, it is bullying, and other kids joining in does not make it any less serious.

Give it a night before you decide on a consequence. Decisions made in the first angry hour tend to be either too harsh to stick or too vague to mean anything.

What is usually behind it

Children rarely bully for a single reason. Often it is about status, because making fun of someone gets laughs and attention. Sometimes the friend group already has a target, and going along feels safer than standing out. Stress or anger from somewhere else (a divorce, a move, trouble at home, struggling in class) can come out on a kid that seems easy to pick on. Some children that bully are being bullied themselves. And many are copying what they see adults and older kids do, at home, online, or on screen. Knowing which of these fits your child tells you where to start.

Discipline that helps, and what makes it worse

Children learn a great deal about how to treat people with less power from how they are treated themselves. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents not to spank, hit, or shame children, and it says that physical punishment makes children more likely, not less, to be defiant and aggressive later on. A 2016 analysis of five decades of spanking research (Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor) found the same link with aggression, and found that spanking did not make children behave better either. A child that gets hit can easily learn that hurting someone smaller is a way to get what you want.

Words count too. Kids absorb how the adults around them talk to each other and about other people, so mocking, name-calling, and constant put-downs at home tend to show up at school. Research has also linked children seeing violence between adults at home with more bullying at school.

What tends to work better:

If you would like support with any of this, your child's pediatrician or the school counselor can point you to parenting classes or family counseling nearby.

A plan for the next few weeks

  1. Say plainly that it stops. "What happened to [name] was bullying, and it is over as of today. I love you, and that is exactly why I will not let you treat people this way."
  2. Build some perspective. Questions do more than lectures: "What do you think lunch is like for her right now?" or "How would you want your cousin's friends to act if this were happening to him?"
  3. Repair the harm. If the other family wants an apology, help your child write out what they will say (what they did, that it was wrong, that it will stop, and no excuses). Many schools can set up the conversation. If the family wants no contact, respect that. What matters most is that the behavior changes.
  4. Match the consequence to the harm. Online bullying means phone rules for a while: the phone stays in the kitchen at night, and you can look at it any time. Bullying with a particular group means less unsupervised time with that group. Spell out what your child has to do to earn the privilege back.
  5. Teach what to do instead. Many kids that bully want to be liked, or to feel powerful, and do not know another way to get there. Practice the alternatives at home: starting conversations, being funny without a target, and walking away when they are angry.
  6. Stay in touch with the school. Go to the meetings, follow the plan, and ask the teacher or counselor for a quick check-in every week or two, so you hear early if anything starts again.

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When to get more help

Talk to your child's pediatrician or the school counselor about a referral to a therapist if the aggression is frequent or getting worse, involves weapons or serious injury, or shows up at home as well as at school. Do the same if your child seems depressed, or you suspect someone is bullying or hurting them too. Some children need more help than a parent and a school can give, and starting early makes it easier.

Our guide for students, Am I a Bully?, covers the same ground from your child's side, including how to step out when friends start and how to apologize. Some kids are more willing to read it on their own than to hear it from a parent.