Am I a Bully? How to Tell and How to Stop

Parents: there is a guide written for you, My Child Is Bullying Other Kids. If you live in the Philippines, read the Philippine version instead.

If you are asking this question, something probably happened. A teacher pulled you aside, a friend said "dude, that was harsh," or you saw someone's face drop after a joke you made. The fact that it bothered you enough to look it up says something good about you. It also means you can still fix it.

Roasting, teasing, or bullying?

Roasting works when everyone is in on it and anyone can fire back. It turns into bullying when the same person keeps ending up as the target, when they cannot easily hit back, and when people are laughing at them instead of with them. Some honest questions help you check:

• Is it usually the same person on the receiving end?
• If they roasted you back just as hard, would the group laugh, or turn on them?
• When it is just the two of you, are they relaxed around you, or do they keep their distance?
• Would you still say it, or post it, with a teacher or their parent watching?
• If someone did this to your best friend, would you step in?

If you are still not sure, think about whether they have ever asked you to stop, or looked like they wanted to. That usually settles it.

What it can look like

Bullying is not always pushing someone into a locker. A lot of it does not feel like bullying to the person doing it:

• Running jokes in a group chat that are always about one person.
• Screenshotting someone's message or photo and sending it around so people can laugh at it.
• Making a fake account, or a meme page, about someone.
• Leaving someone out on purpose, and making sure they know they were left out.
• Copying how someone talks, walks, or dresses to get a laugh.
• "Pranks" that keep landing on the same kid.

Why people end up doing it

It usually starts small. A joke gets a big laugh, so you make another one. Your group already has someone they pick on, and going along is easier than being the one to say no. A bad week at home comes out on someone that seems easy to pick on. Sometimes you were the target last year, and it feels good to be on the other side for once. Online it is even easier, because you never see their face when they read it.

None of that makes it okay. But figuring out which one fits you is useful, because it tells you what you need to change.

How to stop this week

1. Pick the one thing you will stop first, and stop it today. You do not need a full plan to quit making the comment, sharing the post, or joining in.
2. Clean up what is online. Delete anything you posted about them, and ask your friends to delete anything they shared.
3. Get out of the pile-on. If a group chat keeps going after one person, mute it, leave it, or say you are done with that.
4. Have an exit line ready. Something like "Nah, I am good," "Leave him alone, man," or "This is getting old" makes it much easier to step out when your friends start. Walking away works too.
5. Be funny about things, not people. A brutal test, a long bus ride, and the cafeteria food are all fair game, and nobody gets hurt.
6. When you are angry, leave first. Walk away before you say it, and come back once you have cooled down.
7. Talk to an adult you trust if something at home or at school has you on edge. It often helps more than you would expect.

Making it right

The apology matters less than what happens after it. If the other person is open to hearing from you, keep it short, specific, and private (an apology in front of everyone can feel like one more performance):

"Hey, I have been a jerk to you, especially [the specific thing]. That was not okay, and it is not going to happen again."

After that, what counts is that the behavior stops. Don't ask them to forgive you, and don't expect them to want to hang out. If they want space, give it to them.

If the school is already involved, cooperate with what it asks. Your district has a code of conduct, and depending on what it says, the consequences can run from a meeting with your parents and a counselor to detention or suspension, getting heavier if it keeps happening. Some of it can also be a crime, such as threatening to hurt someone or sharing sexual images of anyone under 18 (even if you are under 18 yourself). Stopping now is the best way to keep a mistake from turning into something much more serious.

If you are dealing with something too

If someone is hurting you, at school or at home, that matters as much as anything on this page. Tell an adult you trust, and read our guide on what to do if you are being bullied. If you ever feel hopeless or think about hurting yourself, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at any hour.

And if part of this is that you are not sure how to connect with people in other ways, our guide to making friends as a teenager is a good place to start.