What to Do If You Are Being Bullied

Parents and guardians: there is a guide written for you, My Child Is Being Bullied. If you live in the Philippines, read the Philippine version instead.

If someone at school keeps making fun of you, shoving you, spreading rumors about you, or leaving you out on purpose, this guide is for you. The first thing to know is that it is not your fault. Nothing about you makes it okay for someone to treat you that way, and stopping it is the school's job.

It is also a lot more common than it feels from the inside. In the CDC's national survey of high school students, about one in five said they had been bullied at school in the past year, and more than one in six had been bullied online. So if it feels like this is only happening to you, it is not.

What counts as bullying

You do not have to be sure it "counts" before you tell someone, because deciding that is the school's job. It still helps to know that bullying covers much more than hitting. Every state has a law or a policy on bullying, and school rules usually include name-calling and mocking, threats, rumors, being left out on purpose, and harassment online.

Bullying usually has two parts. It happens again and again, and the person doing it has some kind of advantage over you. They might be older or bigger, more popular, part of a group, or holding something over you. One argument between two friends is usually not bullying. The same group laughing at you every day usually is.

What to do while it is happening

A lot of bullying is done to get a reaction, from you or from the people watching. So in the moment, the goal is to give as little reaction as you can and then get out of there. That is hard to do when you are upset, which is why it helps to pick your words ahead of time. Keep them short and flat:

• "Knock it off."
• "Leave me alone."
• "Not funny."
• "Whatever." (Then walk away.)

Then head toward other people, such as a teacher, a coach, a group of classmates, or anyone you trust. Bullying tends to happen where adults are not watching (hallways between classes, bathrooms, the locker room, the bus, the walk home), so stay near people when you can, and try to have a friend with you at the times it usually happens.

Fighting back is tempting, and it usually backfires. It rarely makes the bullying stop, and school discipline rules often punish both students in a fight, no matter who started it. If someone is physically hurting you, your only job is to get away and get help.

Tell an adult, and keep telling

Telling an adult is the step that brings in people with the power to stop it. At school, that can be a teacher you trust, a school counselor, a coach, an assistant principal, or the principal. Any of them should know where your report goes next. Many schools also have a way to report anonymously, such as an online form or an app. Ask a counselor about it, or look in your student handbook.

Bring in a parent or guardian as well, even if you are worried it will turn into a big deal. A parent that emails the principal, asks for the bullying policy, and keeps following up is much harder for a school to ignore than one student.

What you say can be as simple as this:

"Can I talk to you about something? [Name] keeps [what they do]. It started around [when], and it happened again today at [place]. I have tried ignoring it, and it has not stopped. I need help with it."

If the first adult you tell does nothing, tell another one, and let your parent or guardian know that nothing happened. Your school district should have a written bullying policy (it is usually in the student handbook or on the district's website), and you or your parent can ask to see it.

Write down what happens

Each time it happens, write down the date, the time, the place, what was said or done (the exact words, if you remember them), and who saw it. A note on your phone works fine. A list like that turns "they keep messing with me" into a pattern with dates on it, which is much harder for an adult to brush off. It also means you will not have to remember every detail later, when you are upset and someone is asking you questions.

If it is happening online

Online bullying counts too, whether it is a group chat, comments on your posts, a fake account, or people ganging up on you in a game. Schools can often act on it when it involves students from your school. What helps:

• Skip the reply. Anything you send back can be screenshotted and used to make it worse.
• Before you block anyone, save the evidence: screenshots or screen recordings that show the account name and the date.
• Then block and report. Every major app and game has a way to report harassment, usually behind the three dots on a post or profile.
• Give the evidence to an adult, the same way you would report something that happened in the hallway.

If anyone threatens to hurt you, tell a parent or guardian right away. The same goes for anyone that shares a private or sexual photo of you, or threatens to. That is serious enough to go beyond the school, and it is not your fault. Don't send anything else, and don't pay anyone that is threatening you. If a sexual image of you from when you were under 18 is being shared, a free service called Take It Down, run by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, can help get it taken down from participating sites, and the photo itself never leaves your phone. You can find it at takeitdown.ncmec.org.

Find one person to stand with

None of this makes stopping the bullying your job. That belongs to the school. But having at least one friend at school makes it easier to get through, and often makes it less likely to keep going. A well-known study on this, titled "The Power of Friendship," found that having a best friend helped protect children from being picked on more and more over time. Part of the reason is simple: it is harder to single out someone that is not alone.

If you do not have that person yet, start with one. Look for someone in a class, club, or team that is friendly to you, or someone that is often on their own too. Then spend small amounts of time with them again and again. Say hi using their name, sit near them, and walk with them between classes. Our guide to making friends as a teenager goes through how classmates turn into friends, step by step.

Look after yourself

Being bullied wears people down, and it is normal if it is affecting your sleep, your appetite, your grades, or whether you want to go to school at all. Spend time with the people that treat you well, whether that is at home, on a team, in a club, or online, and keep doing the things you enjoy outside of school. They give you something good in your week that has nothing to do with the people bullying you.

If you feel hopeless, or you are thinking about hurting yourself, please talk to someone today. Tell a parent, a school counselor, or another adult you trust. You can also call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at any hour of the day or night. If you are in danger right now, call 911.

If it is happening to someone else

You do not have to be a hero to help someone that is being bullied. Walk over and stand with them, or pull them away with an excuse ("Coach is looking for you" works fine). Don't laugh, and don't like or share the post. Afterward, tell an adult what you saw. People that bully usually want an audience, and every person that refuses to be one makes it harder for them.

If you take only one step today, tell one adult and show them your notes.